Sunsets

There are so many little things I've thought about posting since we've been home.

When I swept up two dustpans full of dirt and dust bunnies after the house sat (mostly) empty for a month, I thought that could make a funny post.  But I didn't write it.

I'm behind on my Reading Record posts, so I thought about telling you that I read one book in January, and two in February.  Maybe I would even admit that that the two in February were C.S. Lewis' The Magician's Nephew and The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.  Somehow I didn't get around to that, either.

I could tell you that I've renewed my battle with the mice.  Of course they waited until we were home again before they stole six more Scrabble letters.  And got out of two traps.  That could have been a funny post too, but it didn't get written.

I haven't felt much like writing.

***

In early February, my dad was trying to remember one of his favorite quotes from George MacDonald, but couldn't quite get it, so I looked it up for him.  As I did, I stumbled over this one:

"How strange this fear of death is.  Yet we are never frightened at a sunset."

***

I think I'm ready to write now.

***  

God's timing is incredible.  In the month that we spent at my parents' house, every single hard thing worked out perfectly in God's timing.  Sometimes we were aware of His hand in things as they happened, and sometimes we had to look back to see it.

Based on the doctors' estimate of how long my dad had left to live, we went down to my parents' house for a week long visit in early February.  My brother and his family were planning a trip over from Montana in late February, and we planned to return a second time at the end of their visit so we could see them too.   The day after we got there, all of our plans changed.  My dad's oncologist called and recommended that we have my brother come over early, as he was now estimating that my dad had only one to two weeks left, at the most.  So my brother and his family came over and stayed for a week, and four days after they left, my dad's condition deteriorated and he wasn't quite himself any more.  In God's timing, we had one last really good week together as a family.  All twelve of us.  In our timing, it would never have happened.

The last full week of February, there were so many details through which we could clearly see God's timing, from "big" things like financial stuff to "little" things like meal provision.  In fact, it would probably take a full week for me to list them all!

And then there was Dad's Hospice nurse.  I am sure that any Hospice nurse would have cared for my dad just as well as "ours" did, but God knew that my mom and I needed Robert.  On Monday morning,  February 25, after my mom spent a very difficult sleepless night caring for my dad, Robert came out to my parents' house to check on my dad and help us arrange the next level of care.  He confirmed what we already suspected, that my dad had less than 48 hours left, and then our quiet, unassuming nurse prayed with us before he left.  That prayer was absolutely incredible; simply spoken, profound, and exactly what we needed, right when we needed it.  As he prayed, Robert reminded us that God not only knows what pain and grief and death are, but that He experienced them all Himself when Jesus died on the cross in our place. 

With that reminder fresh in our minds, my mom and I watched my dad breath his last breaths as he died three hours later.  After weeks of mounting pain, confusion, and weakness, his last moments were quiet and peaceful, followed by complete relief from all pain.  Forever.

Death is like a sunset, and we are never frightened at sunsets.  At least we need not be.  Once the sun sets on our earthly lives, we who love God and confess that Jesus Christ is Lord can look forward to a new day coming, a new sun rising.  An eternity spent perfectly worshipping God.

We can look ahead past the sunset, with Hope.

The Passing of the Storm

I don't remember what the weather outside was like, but for my family December was a stormy month.
Physically stormy.  Mentally stormy.  Emotionally stormy.

In the month of December, my dad spent 21 of 24 days in two different hospitals.  He was admitted to the first hospital for another round of aggressive chemotherapy, and while it took longer than it should have, it was scheduled and intentional.  His second hospital stay was two weeks long, began with a trip to the ER, and went downhill from there.  

The second, unplanned hospital stay was characterized by fevers, interrupted sleep, multiple doctors, increasingly worse lab test results, lack of appetite, confusion, pain, a small blood clot, a full-body rash that baffled the doctors, and exhaustion.

He was very sick, and he just wasn't himself.

It was awful.  Indescribably awful.
And it was a blessing in disguise.

***

The storm of alternating improvement and decline in my dad's health has passed, and he's been home for a week now.  His appetite is returning, the lab test results have improved (for the most part), he's getting more sleep, and he's resumed most of his usual routine.
He is still sick, but he is at least himself again.

My parents have dealt with a multitude of medical issues over the past few years.  Chemotherapy.  Drug reactions.  Unexplained fevers.  A stem cell transplant.  Hospitalizations.  And opinions.  Lots and lots of opinions.

They sorted through all the opinions and made decisions about treatment.  Some of them were hard decisions, some were unexpected, and none of them were fun.  But the hardest decision they knew they were going to have to make has been with them from the very beginning.

When does it stop?
How long does the chemotherapy continue?

After the two-week-long storm that was my dad's hospitalization, the answer became clear.

Chemotherapy treatment stops when it's no longer effective; when it hurts more than it helps.
For my parents, the decision to discontinue chemo was partly reached in the middle of the chaos of hospitalization, and partly in the calm quietness of their own home.

Separately, not knowing what my parents had already decided, my dad's doctor reached the same conclusion.

No more chemo.

***

The storm is over, and although it's still raining, it's calm.
And we have peace.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

On Joy

"What brings you the most joy these days?"

It's a beautiful question, I think.

Perhaps you've heard or read about people who keep Gratitude lists - lists of all the things, people, and moments for which they are thankful.  Thankfulness and gratefulness are good things, but more often than not, they need words.  It's hard to be thankful for something without consciously naming it.  On the other hand, for me at least, joy needs no words.  

Joy is that heart-full feeling when rays of sunshine streak through the clouds; it's that gladness when I witness a sweet self-sacrifice from one of my children for another's benefit.  Joy is that wordless praise that fills my heart when no words are possible.  Joy is the ability to sing at the top of my lungs the words of the song "Glory to God" along with Handel's Young Messiah...while tears are streaming down my face and I'm choking on sobs.

"What brings you the most joy these days?"

It was a question asked in a not-very-joyful situation, from a father in rapidly failing health to his daughter shortly before he died.  Although her blog post about his rapid decline and death is four years old, I read the story again a few days ago with new eyes and a new understanding, and that question has been with me ever since.

"What brings you the most joy these days?"

Two Saturdays before Christmas, my dad was admitted to the hospital.  He was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma (a cancer of the bones' plasma cells) in August 2010, and the most recent round of aggressive chemotherapy has been harder on his body than any of us expected.  He's still in the hospital, and the end of his stay is not yet in sight.

We are thankful that he's being cared for by the professionals.

We are grateful that it's not worse than it is.

But there's nothing that can top the joy of knowing that God is in control.

No matter what.

***

...Once we give ourselves up to God, shall we attempt to get hold

of what can never belong to us -- tomorrow? Our lives are His,

our times in His hand, He is Lord over what will happen,

never mind what may happen...

Today is mine. Tomorrow is none of my business.

-- Elisabeth Elliot, Keep A Quiet Heart

Four-year-old Theology (In a Nutshell)

Discussing his Pre-K/K Sunday School lessons (with disgust in his voice):

"The week behind, we learned that God made everything. But I knew that already! Today we learned that God made plants, but I knew that already too!"

***

"God is the boss of all the bosses."

***

Mr. Adorable: "There is only one God, Mom."

Me: "Right. But He is at the same time three-in-one; the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit."

Mr. Adorable: "Ah ha! So that's how He can see everything at the same time! The other two help Him!"

Batter My Heart

Batter my Heart, Three-Personed God 

by John Donne 1573 - 1631  

Batter my heart, three-personed God, for you  

As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;  

That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend  

Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.  

I, like an usurped town to another due,  

Labor to admit to you, but oh, to no end;  

Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,  

But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.  

Yet dearly I love you, and would be lovéd fain  

But am betrothed unto your enemy;  

Divorce me, untie or break that knot again;  

Take me to you, imprison me, for I,  

Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,  

Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

Disclaimer: You who know me well, know that I have not ever been a big fan of poetry. (Shakespeare's plays don't count.) :)

Maybe I just wasn't reading the right poetry.

Front Porch Sittin'

Yesterday I was sitting on my front porch listening to this:

and this verse popped into my head:

"Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth."

Psalm 46:10

My Pet Cobweb

I keep a cobweb in the corner of my shower.  It's been there for months, and I have no immediate plans to get rid of it.  It's my pet cobweb.

I like looking at it.

It reminds me that no matter how clean the rest of my house looks, there is always something that needs cleaned.  There will always be a small pile of dust in a corner somewhere, the carpet will always need to be vacuumed around the edges in one room or another, and the baseboards and walls will always need to have the scuff marks wiped off.  Again.  

The cobweb in my shower gives me permission to NOT have a perfectly clean house.  You can expect to have clean towels and mostly-clean floors if you come to visit, but I would fail a white glove test.  My cobweb helps me to be okay with that.

The cobweb I keep in my shower also reminds me that there are cobwebs of another kind hidden in the shadowy corners of my soul.  No matter how clean my life looks from the human perspective, God and I both know about those spiritual cobwebs.  Sometimes those cobwebs are small, fairly simple to dust away, and their removal doesn't bother me much.  Other times I find that they are much larger and stickier than I thought they were, and they grow faster than regular cobwebs, too.

Sometimes simply naming those spiritual cobwebs helps to clear them out:  fear, gossip, laziness, selfishness, pride.  Once I am aware that they are back, they are easier to dust away while they are small, but I don't always see them return.  That's why I keep my pet cobweb in the corner of my shower, a visual reminder that I need to check the corners of my heart for spiritual cobwebs.  Because nobody likes those kinds of cobwebs.  

Not even me.

The Things I Read

Let me introduce you to my new word of the week:

Orthorexia, from the Greek "ortho-" (right and correct) + "exia" (appetite) = right appetite

It sounds innocent enough, doesn't it?  Eating right is a good thing, but orthorexic is a term that is being used in America to describe people with an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating.  I am spending quite a bit of time and energy on the subject lately, but I am doing my best to avoid becoming one of them.  :)

On the other hand, when I began to avoid foods that contain "high frucsish corn syrup" (as my 5-year-old calls it), I began to wonder about all those other ingredients and chemicals (listed and unlisted) we were consuming mindlessly.  Diabetes runs in our family, and I was (and am!) determined to begin preventing it now, for both myself and for my children, but there are so many theories and diets out there that it seemed almost impossible to know which one is "right".  I've been reading blogs written by nutritionally minded Christian women, and there were a few books on the subject that were repeatedly mentioned.  However, since I refuse to take advice from random people that I don't even know, I decided to read some books for myself and draw my own conclusions.  First I did a bunch of research online and came up with a list of books I wanted to read, and then we made a trip to the library.  I came home with titles like Real Food by Nina Planck, In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan, For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway, and The Omnivores Dilemma by Michael Pollan.

First I read Real Food; What to Eat and Why by Nina Planck, and I learned about things like cholesterol (which I have never understood until now!), why eggs and milk are good for us, and how "they" raise and feed the meat we eat.  It was an interesting book, but as one critic pointed out, the author's sole qualifications are that "she grew up on a farm and her parents served good food, she is healthy and she has managed/owned greenmarket stores".  I also hesitate to take everything she wrote at face value for the simple reason that she accepts as fact the theory of evolution.  If she ignores even the existence of our Creator, how can I possibly trust her to guide me in my quest to eat right? 

In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan, was also very interesting (although also written from an evolutionist viewpoint), and better written (and researched) than Real Food.  It seemed to cover the same ground as Real Food did, but the last third of the book delved into more of howwe Americans eat instead of what we eat.  The author gives advice such as "Eat meals."  "Eat at a table.  No, a desk is not a table."  "Don't get your fuel from the same place your car does."  "Try not to eat alone."  "Eat slowly."  I really enjoyed that book, but the same principle applied; the author ignored even the existence of our Creator.

For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway has nothing to do with food. But it was really, really good!  I had a hard time putting it down.  (But that has nothing to do with orthorexia or the subjects of food and nutrition.)

During my research I had come across another book called The Maker's Diet by Jordan Rubin, so I decided to look into it.  (Literally!  Amazon has that neat feature where you can actually read parts of books.)  It looked like too much of one man's experience and not enough of what I wanted, so I kept looking.  I got side-tracked in my search by the title of a book by the same author, The Maker's Diet for Weight-Loss.  (What mother of four with some weight to losewouldn't get side-tracked by a title like that?!?)  I used the same neat "pre-read" feature, and found almost instantly that that book wasn't for me either.  However, the time I spent researching Jordan Rubin's books was not wasted, because on one of the pages in The Maker's Diet for Weight Loss, he quoted from a book called What the Bible Says About Healthy Livingby Rex Russell, MD.

Ah.  How refreshing!  A book about healthy living (not just eating), based on Biblical truths, written by a man who not only is a Christian, but who has his MD and is diabetic.  All of the qualifications I was looking for, all wrapped up in one author!  I bought this book, and as soon as it came in the mail, I started reading.  It was fascinating!  The text is easy to read, liberally sprinkled with Bible verses and references (as a book entitled "What the Bible Says About..."  should be!), and equal parts "ewwww factor" and funny.  When I finished the book, I immediately wanted to share everything I'd learned from it with everyone I know.  The only problem is that while I was immersed in this book, I was also finishing reading through Romans, (both books cover the subject of "the law").  While I would actually highly recommend reading through both concurrently (Romans shone more light on what I was reading in Russell's book and made it easier to understand, and vice versa), I came across a passage in Romans 14 (specifically verse 22!) that struck a nerve:

²⁰Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a man to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. ²¹It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall.

 ²²So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves. ²³But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.

So, while I would love to tell you what you should and should not be eating, I will refrain, and instead I will just highly recommend that you read for yourself What The Bible Says About Healthy Living by Rex Russell, MD, and form your own conclusions.  

Oh, and The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan?  I decided not to read it at all.  It seems to me that only an orthorexic would read four thick books on the subject of food in one week, so I'm going to keep it to three, and go back and read What The Bible Says About Healthy Living again instead.  :)

Thoughts on Mowing

Our back yard has a definite slope to it, and our lot is not square.  I know these things about our yard, and I appreciate them for different reasons, but when it comes to mowing the back yard, the odd shape of the lot drives me crazy!  I like the nice neat lines the lawn mower creates, but it takes some creativity to get them to line up neatly from any angle...not that I have too much energy to waste working on that!  

I like those nice neat lines for two reasons.  They look neat when I'm done, and when I'm in the process of mowing, they give me guidelines to follow; I can see where I've already been.  This morning, as the lawn mower was bouncing crazily over the roughest spots, and I tried to keep my lines straight, it struck me how much mowing my back yard has in common with my walk with God.  

We have trees in the back of our lot.  They are not evenly spaced by any stretch of the imagination, but they make excellent focal points nonetheless.  When I mowed uphill toward the back of the lot, I could fix my eyes on a tree, and no matter how crazily the mower was bouncing around, I could easily keep my lines straight.  Going downhill towards the house was easy going.  The mower still bounced over the rough spots, but it was downhill, and I felt like I could relax a little, at least enough to check on the kids playing on the back deck.  The problem came when I reached the bottom and turned around to go back up again.  The lines going up were as perfectly straight as I could make them, but the lines coming down were completely uneven and crooked, because I didn't have a focal point.

So I tried a new strategy.  Going uphill, I picked a tree to keep my eyes on, and going downhill I found something on the house or deck to focus on.  That worked pretty well, but looking back up from the bottom of the hill, again I could see crooked lines.  This time, the crooked lines were caused not by not having a focal point, but by taking my eyes off of the focal point to check on the kids or to throw a stick or rock out of my way.

I was reminded of Philippians 3:12-14.  "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Now don't get me wrong!  When mowing the lawn, it is important to throw sticks and rocks out of the way, and to check on the kids every now and then.  It's even okay to enjoy the fresh air and sunshine, and to relax a little on those downhill slopes.  Those actions, on the other hand, made me realize how often I focus too much on the things of this world and neglect "pressing on toward the goal."  

I spend a lot of time thinking about things like how to raise my children properly, how to teach them, what we are eating, and what needs done around the house, which are all good and necessary things to consider.  However, I should not be focusing on those issues to the point where I no longer have time or energy to read my Bible, pray, and "strain toward what is ahead".

It is hard work mowing uphill, and it is hard work following God's ways, but they are both made easier by keeping my focus in the proper place and on the right thing.  Often my walk with God is comfortable and easy, as is mowing downhill, but when I look back, I find that I have neglected something, or become complacent about something I shouldn't have. 

I need to apply these lessons I've learned today about mowing my back yard to my daily life, and do as Hebrews 12:2 says:  "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."  

When my eyes are fixed on Him, it doesn't matter how rough the ground is beneath my feet.  When my eyes are fixed on Him, the lines of my life will be as perfectly straight as I can make them.

Just like my back yard.

Christmas Challenge - Part 25

25 - A Final Christmas Challenge!  We celebrated Christmas today far from our extended family, and with an integral part of our immediate family away from home as well, and it was a JOYFUL, HAPPY Christmas!  For our family, it does not matter who we are with on Christmas Day (or who is with us!) or where we celebrate.  

Christmas is a joyful reminder that GOD, the Creator and Ruler of the Universe, chose to send His only son to earth, not "just to visit" or "be a good example" or "spread peace and goodwill", but He came with a purpose:  to die for us and save us from our sins!  What a reason for us to celebrate, no matter what our present circumstances may be!

So, from our imperfect circumstances to yours...JOYFUL CHRISTMAS, everyone!!!  :)

I Am Thankful

I am thankful that when things happen that we don't expect, God is faithful in ways that we don't expect.

And I'm thankful that we can't see what's coming, either.

God is good!

Happy Thanksgiving!